Some Scenes in TV Detective Shows Write Themselves. Let’s Change It.

There’re many situations on TV detective/crime shows that are so predictable they seems to write themselves. The writers probably assign that portion of the screenplay to an intern, or cut and paste from previous scripts, or let a robot write it. See if you agree. I have proposed new ways to write them. Here are some:

1. The villain grabs a nearby civilian and holds a gun to her/his head. You know the scenario. The perp says, “Drop your weapons or I’ll killer her/him.” Of course, the police drop their weapons.

I think the scene should go like this: the perp grabs a civilian and blah, blah, blah. The detectives say, “Look here. Nobody knows this hostage. She’s not related to me or any of us. Go ahead and kill her. I don’t give a crap. You shoot her, we shoot you. Seems fair.”

2. One of the good guys gets shot. They rush him/her to the hospital. You know how this plays out. The girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner tries to rush into the operating room. A doctor blocks the way. You should know the dialogue by heart. “I’m sorry, but you can’t go in there.”

“But he’s my girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner.”

“Trust me. She/he’ll be okay. We’ve got our best doctors working on her/him.”

The girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner turns to another detective and hugs. The other detective say, “Don’t worry. So-and-so is tough. He/she’s going to make it.” So unreal.

I think the scene should be as follows: The good detective is shot and rushed to the OR. The girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner tries to rush into the operating room. A doctor blocks the way. “Whoa there. You can’t go into the operating room.”

“But he’s my girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner.”

“Well, I can’t speak for the chances, because I haven’t even looked at the wound, but I can say we got our second best surgeon working on it. Our best doctor is playing golf and won’t be back today. This doctor will do an adequate job. He’s been sued for mal-practice only twice and settled out of court. The odds are probably 50/50. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner will probably contact an infection and die in the hospital any way.”

The girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/partner turns to another detective and hugs. The other detective says, “No way is he/she going to make it. You should start making funeral arrangements. Is it too soon for us to have a date?”

3. Two bad guys take hostages and barricade themselves in a building. They tell the surrounding police that if they don’t meet their demands, they will start to kill the hostages. The police agreed and start to meet the demands to stall for time. You know the drill.

I think this scene should go like this: The head bad guys says, “Meet our demands or we start killing the hostages.”

The detective in charges asks, “What are your demands?”

“We want $1 Million in unmarked bills, a helicopter to fly us to Mexico, and a large pizza with everything. You have one hour or we start shooting these hostages.”

“Look, we don’t have that kind of budget. How about $100,000 with only a few marked bills, a bus pass for two, you kill only one hostage, and a plain, small pizza?”

“No, no, we have costs too. We’ll agree to half a mill with only a couple of marked bill, a Mustang, we kill three hostages, and a medium pizza with sausage and pepperoni.”

“Come on, we can’t afford a that pizza. Would you settle for $150,000, a pass for the subway, and you kill two hostages?”

“This is our last offer. We want a quarter mill with unmarked bills, cab fare to Mexico, we kill one hostage, and forget the pizza.”

“Fair enough. It’s a deal.”

4. It happens on TV all the time. The bad guys are barricaded in a building. The star detective exposes him/herself and puts down her/his weapon. “Look. I’m unarmed. I just want to talk. I’m coming in.” Of course, once inside, the detective either talks the villains into surrendering or some how subdues them.

I think the scene should go this way: The star detective exposes him/herself and puts down her/his weapon. “Look. I’m unarmed. I just want to talk. I’m coming in.” Half way toward the building, the villains shoot the detective in the leg. As the detective crawls away, they shoot him/her in the ass for being so stupid.

Now wouldn’t these scenarios be more original? Tell me.

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