Contests for “Contested” GPO Convention Revealed

It appears that the GOP convention may contested. If you’re like me, you may wonder what is a contested convention. Well, I contact my confidential, super-secret source inside the National Republican Committee to find out what it meant. My source said there will be a total of ten contests that each candidate will have to undergo with the overall winner taking all. Here are the contests:

  1. Throwing Bull Shit. Each candidate will be giving three attempts to throw the BS as far as possible.
  2. Slinging mud. This contest is much like a free-for-all wrestling match. The candidates start in a pit full of mud. At the whistle, each candidate will attempt to sling mud at the other candidates. At the end of five minutes, the winner is the candidate with the least amount of mud on their body.
  3. Flip flopping. Each candidate will start in a prone position, face up. At a signal, each candidate must flip over as many times as they can in one minute. Any one flipping by using the arms or legs will be disqualified.
  4. Truth or dare. Each candidate will be asked three questions by Megan Kelly from Fox News. The candidate must either answer the question or perform a dare chosen by one of their opponents.
  5. Spinning. Each candidate will be presented with something negative about them and then must spin it into something positive. A panel of judges with select the best spin as the winner.
  6. Muck raking. Each candidate must start in a hole full of muck with a rake. At the whistle, each candidate must rake as much muck as possible out of the pit within ten minutes. At the conclusion, the muck remaining in the pit is measured and the candidate with the least amount of muck in their pit wins.
  7. Ass kissing. This contest is conduct similar to an Olympic event. Each candidate must kiss ten asses of donors. A panel judges each kiss for style, penetration, technique, and form using a scale of zero to ten. The candidate with the highest score wins.
  8. Baby kissing. Each candidate will be asked to kiss 25 babies. For each effective kiss, they score one point. Points are deducted for making the baby cry, if the baby hits the candidate, if the baby refuses to be kissed, or the baby fills it’s diaper.
  9. Dodging issues. Each candidate will be given three issues selected by Megan Kelly. They must then dodge the issue within 30 seconds. A panel of judges will score each dodge for uniqueness, speed, reasonableness, and style.
  10. Breaking promises. Each candidate must select at least three promises they made during their campaign and describe how they will break those promises if elected.

Rumor has it, the judges may be Lee Weingart, Greg Valliere, Elise Jordan, Mika Brzezinski and Alicia Parlapiano. The winner of the Republican nomination for President will be the candidate with the most points. Good luck to one and all.

 

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