Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy for Sylvester Stallone

You may have heard on ESPN that Sylvester Stallone was detained in Australia and charged with importing HGH. He claims it was only a supplement called Pure Muscle-X. Rumor has it he may undergo “intense therapy” to help his abuse. I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the curriculum that is so popular now with celebrities who abuse performance enhancing drugs, alcohol and other drugs. The program known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULL SH*T) is used through the USA to help celebrities keep their reputations. This intense therapy is intended to last for one week. Below is a copy of the curriculum. Enjoy!

Sunday Optional Mixer

Join us in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until-?  Meet the instructors and fellow celebrities who have fallen from grace. Hosted by #DwayneJohnson, #CharlieSheen, and #ArnoldSchwarzenegger. Open bar and free #marijuana tasting (not yet available in all states).

Monday Session

How to Hold a Press Conference. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to pronounce new words like “paparazzi.” Panel discussion with panelists #LanceArmstrong, #AlexRodriquez, Charlie Sheen, and #MarkMcGuire.

Tuesdays Sessions

Using While in Denial. Learn how to fool the drug tests and hide the use of steroids. Instructors – Lance Armstrong, #SammySosa and Alex Rodriguez

Wednesday Sessions

Performance Drug Use for the Whole Family. Instructors — #BarryBonds, #MarionJones, and #AndreAgassi

Thursday Sessions

Stings and Other things. Learn to identify a sting operation. Learn how to smuggle performance enhancing drugs through customs. Instructors — #MarionJones, Lance Armstrong, and Charlie Sheen.

Friday Sessions

How to Publicly Apologized and Look Sincere. Enjoy a panel discussion with panelists Lance Armstrong, Andre Agassi and Charlie Sheen

Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who haven’t dropped out of the program or arrested.

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