Now that I have achieved the ripe old age of 70, I’m trying to count my blessing and see the advantages of being ancient. Here’s what I came up with so far:
- You’re too old to die young. Besides, only the good die young.
- You no longer have to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, names of your grandchildren, the name of your significant other, etc. People will assume you have the early stages of dementia.
- You get the senior discount. Actually, you get the senior discount usually starting at 55.
- Most clerks will stop asking for ID. After a while you’ll look so damn old, everyone will assume you’re over 21.
- You can retell the old jokes because the youngest generation never heard them. That’s if you can remember them.
- Smoke, eat whatever, and drink. It won’t shorten your life by much.
- Your significant other won’t have high expectations in the bedroom. As a side note, any sex after 70 is great.
- You get a break on your taxes. The best thing to do is to spend your children’s inheritance.
- People will assume you’re wise whenever you give advice. Old folks just look wise. People assume if you live long enough, you should learn something. The wisest thing to do is to not give any advice.
- You can easily embarrass your children and grandchildren. My favorite is to wear black socks with Bermuda shorts and sandals. A great prank is close your eyes and hold your breath as long as you can. My other favorite is to grab your chest and yell, “I’m coming Martha. It’s the big one.” That last one if from Sanford and Son, a 70’s TV show (just google it).
Perhaps you can think of a few others – let’s hear them.
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