Here’s Part 2 of my TV crime show spoof. If you missed part 1, scroll down and catch up. Enjoy.

Chris pulls out his gun and runs after Bill. He sees Bill get into an elevator, but the doors close before he can stop it. Chris runs down 45 flights of stairs and exits in the basement. He then runs up one flight of stairs to the first floor. He searches the lobby frantically. He sees Bill outside getting into a car. He runs outside just as Martha pulls up in a corvette.

MARTHA: Get in!

CHRIS: (Chris gets into the car and Martha speeds off after Bill) How did you get here so fast?

MARTHA: Special effects.

CHRIS: That’s a different outfit. What’s with the mini-skirt? You usually wear pantsuits.

MARTHA: The director wants to show off my legs.

CHRIS: Well, you look fantastic. How come your hair is perfect, and now you have makeup on? Where did you find the time?

MARTHA: Look! Can we hold off on the interrogation until we catch this guy? You know damn well that we shot the hotel scene yesterday. Today is the car chase scene. Besides, my contract says I have to look good. The studio has to give me six close up headshots every episode.

CHRIS: Don’t lose him.

MARTHA: You always say that. I never lose them. Now go ahead and say the other word.

CHRIS: What other word?

MARTHA: You know damn well. Every car chase scene you say it.

CHRIS: Faster?


Cars skid around corners and run other cars off the road. More police cars join the chase. Finally, Bill’s car crashes—flipping over a dozen times and exploding in flames. Bill emerges unhurt with his hands up. The police are so ticked they shoot him anyway.

CHRIS: Let’s see who this guy really is.  (removes Bill’s wallet, opens wallet) His driver’s license says his name is Bill Smith.

MARTHA: What the…? Wait a minute. (takes out the hundred dollar bills and holds them up to the light) I guess the joke’s on me. These bills aren’t phony after all. My bad. (Chris takes out his service pistol and points it at Martha.) What are you doing? What’s going on?

CHRIS: Come on Martha. You have been around long enough to know that when the studio doesn’t renew your contract, the writers write you out of the series. Your contract expires next week.

MARTHA: Don’t do it, Chris. If we stick together, we can both get better contracts.

CHRIS: Too late. I already signed my new contract. I get a bedroom scene and eight close up headshots in every episode. Goodbye, Martha. It’s been great working with you.

MARTHA: Wait! The studio will never find a replacement for my character by next episode.

CHRIS: They have already. You remember that young woman that we hired as an intern two episodes ago?

MARTHA: You mean that 20 something with the silicone breasts?

CHRIS: Uh, yeah, that one. In the next episode she is promoted to detective first class and takes your place.

MARTHA: No! If you shoot me, I’ll never work with you again. Do you know what that means?

CHRIS: Sorry, Darling, but it’s in the script. I don’t have to know what it means. (Chris shoots Martha three times. He walks over to her body and shoots her in the head for good measure.)

The End

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