Crazy Things I’m Thankful for

It’s that time of year when we take stock of the things we’re thankful for. I have been working on this list for weeks. I’ve eliminated the obvious things that people list every year; family, friends, health, blah, blah, blah. Here’s my list of things I’m thankful for:


  1. Farts are colorless. Can you imagine what the world would be like if farts were blue or green? That would take all the guess work out of who farted and let the dog off the hook.
  2. Lobsters can’t scream when you cook them (same goes for stepping on bugs). This goes without saying.
  3. Cow can’t fly. Pigeons are bad enough. Thank goodness cows can’t fly.
  4. Dinosaurs are extinct. Driving to work every day is enough of a hassle. Thank goodness we don’t have to dodge dinosaurs too.
  5. Fire. I’m not sure who invented or discovered it, but Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same without fire. We’d have to eat cold turkey. What would a BBQ be without fire? A stack of wood or coal.
  6. My secret bank account. I’m glad my wife doesn’t know about my secret bank account. Oh, wait! WTF? Never mind.
  7. Breathing is automatic. I’m certainly glad I don’t have to think about breathing. I’m so forgetful lately, I’d forget to breathe.
  8. Light bulbs. Because without light bulbs, we’d be in …wait for it… the dark ages.
  9. Gravity. Where would we be without gravity? Fling to the far corners of the solar system, I imagine.
  10. Control of my anal sphincter. Can you imagine what life would be like if humans had not control of their anal sphincters? It would be shitty for sure. You could say, “That depends.”
  11. The election is over. Now maybe the news channels will start reporting real news, if they remember how.
  12. Beer. Ben Franklin said, “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” Which is why I don’t drink water.
  13. Coffee. The elixir of the gods. I plan to quit drinking coffee as soon as I find a better way to get it down.
  14. The thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How does it know?
  15. Golf Carts. A golf cart came in handy when my good buddy Ralph had a heart attack in the middle of our golf game. If we didn’t have a golf cart, we would’ve had to drag his body from hole to hole.
  16. My brain. I’m thankful my mind is still tack as a sharp.
  17. That marijuana is harmless. Thank goodness it haade ne efftive omn me abilly to rite.

Perhaps you have some non-traditional things to be thankful for. Let’s hear them.

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