More Resume-Killers

I read with interest an article on my newsfeed from the Business Insider, “Never include these 9 résumé-killers on any job application.” The article said avoid listing hobbies, using personal pronouns (I, my or me), using present tense for a past job, listing objective, using old irrelevant jobs, listing professional contact information, using buzzwords, using unnecessary words and posting images. As usual, the article misses the mark on several key résumé-killers. As a community service, I will add more résumé-killers to avoid:

 1.      Don’t list your fraternity or sorority. There are basically two types of fraternities; those who have done something publicly offensive and those who haven’t…yet. It would be best not to admit to being a member until after you’re hired. Even after you get the job, you may not want to confess.

2.      When listing skills, remember sexting isn’t a skill unless you are applying for a position in the porn industry. Also, while making pipe bombs is certainly a skill, you may want to keep that secret. Drinking beer while standing on your head isn’t a skill you should list. That also goes for stalking, coloring, field stripping an AK47, shooting an RPG, breaking and entering, cooking meth and picking locks.  

3.      Don’t list references who are still in prison or pending trial. It’s best to wait until they’re out on bail.

4.      Don’t use family as references unless you still have copies of photographs you can use for blackmail.

5.       It may be too soon to list Trump University on your profile. Hold off on that.

6.       Don’t try to convince anyone that the 4 – 7-year gap in your work summary was a vacation.

7.       Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Same for your Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.

8.      Don’t misspell the name of the university you claim to have attended.

9.      Don’t try to be clever in your email address, i.e. buttkicker@whatever.com.

10.  You probably should omit the job you had in prison.

 I sincerely hope this helps you prepare your resume. Good luck.

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